Give Up the Last Word

To your kids you say: “You can’t do that today.”

Their reaction: “You’re so mean!”

And off they storm.

Your instinct may be to follow them.

“I’m not being mean. I’m saying, no, because…”

You explain.

They argue.

You explain again.

They have another comeback.

Suddenly, the conversation is no longer about what you said no to.

It’s about whether you’re mean.

And now you’re arguing about the argument.

What if you just let them have the last word?

Not because they’re right.

Not because you’re wrong.

And certainly not because they’ve gotten their way.

Because the last word doesn’t have to change the outcome.

Why is giving up the last word so hard for us?

• We want to correct the record. If our child says, “You're mean,” we want them to know that we're not mean. We just have their best interest in mind.

• We want them to understand our reasoning. We think one more explanation will make the decision make sense in the hope they will see our point of view.

• We don't like being misunderstood especially when we're making a decision we believe is in our children's best interest.

• We feel like if we don't correct the unfair comment, we're conceding. We aren't.

• We want to end the interaction on our terms. But having the last word and having the final decision are two very different things.

• We're uncomfortable with our child's discomfort. Their anger or accusation can push us into trying to make the feeling go away rather than simply holding the boundary.

Benefits of letting your child have the last word

• It lets them save face. They get to express their frustration without requiring you to correct their final comment.

• It keeps the issue where it belongs. “You’re mean” doesn't become a new debate when the original boundary is still the boundary.

• It stops the argument from gaining momentum. No additional explanation means fewer opportunities for another objection, negotiation, or comeback.

• It communicates confidence. You don't need your child to agree with your decision for you to hold it.

• It separates feelings from outcomes. Your child can be angry, disappointed, or think you're mean—and the answer can still be no.

• It gets you to the result you wanted. The goal was the boundary, not winning the final exchange.

• It teaches an important life lesson: 

  Someone can have the last word without having the last say.

If you need help learning to give up the last word and holding boundaries, let's talk.

Give up the last word.