Go Ahead, Flip Out

Photo of Sari starting to flip out.

Last week, someone asked me for tools to help parents stay calm when their children are melting down.

I answered, "Tell them to go ahead and flip out."

The room got quiet.

Why would I say that?

Because I'm tired of parenting advice that holds parents to the impossible standard of staying calm no matter what. We are constantly told to breathe deeply, regulate our emotions, and respond with endless patience.

And aren't parents human?

Don't we have feelings, stressors, triggers, and limits?

And don't we sometimes get so exhausted that in the middle of a chaotic moment, we can't possibly remember the "right" script?

Every day I see articles with titles like, How Parents Can Stay Calm When Their Children Lose It.

But what happens when we don't?

🤷‍♀️Should we feel ashamed?

🤷‍♂️Should we think we've failed?

🤷‍♀️Should we worry that someone will think we're bad parents?

I think it's time to reframe the conversation.

Instead of viewing every parental outburst as a failure, what if we recognized it as a teaching opportunity?

Children are going to cry, tantrum, slam doors, and melt down. That's part of childhood. And that’s when they can learn something important: how to express big feelings without hurting other people.

That lesson doesn't come from watching perfect parents. It comes from watching human ones.

Let them see what happens when a tired, frustrated, stressed out parent loses it. 

You yell:

😡"I am really frustrated right now."

😡"I'm angry and I've had it."

😡"Just do what I told you. We’ll discuss it later."

😡“Everyone take a break!”

It's not a failure, but an opportunity to model what it looks like to have strong emotions and express them respectfully without swearing, threatening, insulting, or breaking things.

In some of the families I work with, children express their anger by screaming at ear-splitting volume, swearing, insulting their parents, or becoming aggressive. They can be shown another way.  

When we allow ourselves to be human, while still being respectful, we demonstrate that emotions aren't the problem. The way we handle them is what matters.

Of course, when we aren't regulated we should use and demonstrate all the tools we know:

• Take a breath.

• Take a walk.

• Play music.

• Exercise 

• Acknowledge feelings.

• State needs.

But sometimes, despite our best efforts, we still lose our cool.

And that's okay.

The best part comes after calm returns.

Talk about it.

🤔You flipped out. Why?

🤔What were you feeling?

🤔What pushed your buttons?

🤔Is there something that needs to change?

Because the goal isn't raising children who never lose it.

And it isn't being a parent who never loses it, either.

The goal is learning that big feelings are part of being human—and that even when we flip out, we can do it without damaging the people we love.

We can repair, reflect, and try again. That's a lesson worth teaching.