Our Brains Panic When Reality Doesn't Match our Expectations.

I was reminded of this while booking an airline ticket.

I'd found the perfect flight at a price that fit my budget. Halfway through booking, an error message appeared:

That fare is no longer available.

If I wanted the exact same seat on the exact same flight, I'd have to pay significantly more.

My heart started pounding. I started sweating.

The voice in my head screamed,

"That's it. I'm never traveling again."

Nothing dangerous had happened.

Yet my body reacted as though it had.

I couldn’t solve anything in that state, so I turned on the ceiling fan, lowered the thermostat, and gave myself a minute.

Later, I realized what flipped my panic button.

It was the sudden gap between what I expected and what actually happened.

In an instant, I'd lost my sense of control.

Parents experience this all the time.

• The school changes your child’s class.

• Your child gets left out.

• The coach changes the lineup.

• The teacher tells you something you never expected to hear.

In those moments, we lose two things simultaneously: our expectations and our sense of control.

Our brains don't calmly say, "Well, that's disappointing." They sound an alarm.

Eventually, I reached someone at the airline.

They couldn't give me the original fare.

But they explained what had happened and acknowledged how frustrating my experience had been.

The explanation didn't change the outcome.

It changed my nervous system.

I still paid more.

I still didn't get what I wanted.

But once I begrudgingly understood what had happened, my brain stopped spinning.

Author's Note: I waited two days before submitting my complaint. That's another parenting strategy worth remembering.

As parents, we spend a lot of energy trying to regain control over situations we can't control.

We can't always change what happens.

We can calm ourselves enough to decide what happens next, and when we can’t change the outcome, maybe we readjust our expectations.

The next time reality doesn't match your expectations, and your brain and body hit panic mode, first turn down the thermostat, and look for what you can control.

Then decide what comes next.